For some reason, many grown-ups in Elisa’s life often asked her this tricky question:
“Who do you love more—Mom or Dad?”
Family friends, relatives, even her own parents, would sometimes open conversations this way. And somehow, Elisa—just five years old—already knew that something wasn’t quite right about this question.
She would smile politely and say,
“I love them both equally.”
Sometimes the adult would push a little further:
“Come on, really? You must love one just a tiny bit more?”
But Elisa never wavered.
“I love them both,” she’d repeat calmly.
What she didn’t say—and instinctively knew not to say out loud—was that the people she loved the most were actually her grandmas, Dora and Frosi.
Occasionally, she felt a little guilty that it wasn’t her parents. But she figured it wasn’t such a big deal as long as she kept it to herself and didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
And don’t get it wrong—Elisa adores her parents. She loves talking to them, going to the park, learning to ride a bike.
But with Grandma, she feels completely safe. She doesn’t have to be brave, or smart, or fast, or cheerful. She can just be herself.
What Questions Should We Avoid Asking Our Children?
Here are some examples of common questions that don’t support connection, and often come across as testing, controlling, or mistrustful:
1. Questions That Put Them on the Spot
Examples:
- “Who do you like more—Mom or Dad?”
- “Don’t you love me more than your friends?”
- “Aren’t you excited to see Grandma?”
These types of questions can create pressure and emotional discomfort. They may lead children to feel confused or guilty, especially if they sense that there is a “right” answer expected by the adult.
2. Questions We Already Know the Answer To
Common examples:
- “Where are your eyes?”
- “What color is this car?”
- “What animal is this?”
These might seem playful or educational, but they often feel like little tests to the child. If they don’t yet know the answer, they might feel unsure or anxious. If they do, the question might come across as not trusting their knowledge.
Instead, try:
- “Here are your eyes!”
- “You brought me two yellow cars and one red.”
- “Look at the big elephant on the page.”
This invites natural learning and engagement—without pressure.
3. Questions That Assume Guilt or Wrongdoing
Examples:
- “Who spilled the milk?”
- “Did you break this?”
- “Why did you do that?”
Instead of asking, state what you observe and invite participation or problem-solving.
Try this instead:
- “I see the milk is spilled. Here’s a sponge—let’s clean it together.”
- “You dropped the glass and it broke. I am going to make sure there is no glass on the floor.”
This builds trust, avoids shame, and supports responsibility.
4. Questions That Try to Control Feelings
Examples:
- “Why are you crying? There’s nothing to cry about.”
- “Aren’t you happy? This is supposed to be fun!”
These kinds of questions can make a child feel like their emotions are wrong or unwanted.
A better approach:
- “You’re crying—you must be feeling sad.”
- “It seems like something’s bothering you.”
When we name the emotion with kindness, we help children feel seen and safe.
In Summary
Questions can be a beautiful way to connect. But not all questions invite connection—some create distance, pressure, or confusion.
When we trust a child’s experience, we don’t need to quiz, tease, or coax. We can:
- Observe
- State what we notice
- Offer presence and space
This is how we support connection, trust, and emotional safety.
Wishing you all the best in this difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!
Let me know if you need more information about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes.
Warmly,
Teacher Kira
