Our RIE Parent-Guidance classes welcome parents from around the world. Over the years, I have had the privilege of working with families from different countries, each bringing their own unique presence to our classes. Yewande was the first parent to join us from Johannesburg, but that is not what made her special to me. What truly stood out was her big heart, the way she was deeply attuned to her boys, to herself, and to the other parents in class. Yewande is an amazing listener, and time and again, she wisely reminded us to be gentle with ourselves. Her genuine empathy created a warm and special atmosphere in our group. I feel that I learned from Yewande just as much as she learned from the class—if not more.
Here are her heartfelt words about her experience:
In a few weeks, my twin boys will turn five years old. When I think back over the past few years—apart from family and friends—without what I think of as “the RIE approach,” frequent reading of Janet Lansbury articles, and the self-assured, gentle guidance of Kira Solomatova, I imagine I would be completely disheveled from the well-known, daunting task of parenting; in the parlance of my home country, Nigeria, my head would be scattered. Instead, I am tired—I won’t lie—appropriately daunted by my daily work of mothering, but also, not only in love with, but in an intimate and dynamic relationship with my two very distinct children. Most importantly, I feel accompanied. Yes, accompanied by my partner, my wonderful family and friends, but also by a handful of people I’ve never met and by a tawny-haired Russian woman I hope I one day can.
I found RIE the way one might find religion
I found RIE the way one might find religion—one day, after my almost one-year-old pushed my other one-year-old. It might sound simple, but I really didn’t know what to do. Admonish harshly? Comfort the injured? But wait—they were both crying. Even at seven months, they understood the egregious nature of the situation and needed me to let them know how life would go. I realized this scenario and my response to it would help mark up a blueprint for our life ahead together, and I was frozen with fright. Unsure where to look, and even while being critical of what turning to the internet could really offer me, I typed in some phrases and looked to see what came up on the screen. After a few twists and turns, I had a kindly face to study and the name Magda Gerber.
Parenting is not like driving a car; I wasn’t looking for a rulebook
Reading about RIE on that occasion brought me a sense of hope. Parenting is not like driving a car; I wasn’t looking for a rulebook. Although I joke about religion, I wasn’t looking for something to proselytize. The task resists comparisons—it is indeed like nothing else I know or don’t know. All I can say is that it most resembles life in its unexpected, relentless nature, also in its boredom and delights, and most certainly in the way it keeps reminding you how small you are and how small, simple things are beautiful too.
I was a new mother, already humbled
With my hope hanging, I stretched across the RIE website for materials to study and learn more. They had classes, but of course, in America. I was sitting in Johannesburg, South Africa. Nonetheless, feeling the emptiness of the newly converted, I wrote to the email I could find. I was a new mother, already humbled. I was accustomed by now to reaching out to people and saying: Help! A kind woman wrote back. It was COVID, and so not only were there classes I could attend online, but miraculously, we navigated the time zone and found something suitable. Extra generosity came in the form of a reduced fee—me with my South African rands and my budget pummeled by diapers, both cloth and disposable.
The group was always intimate, safe, and profoundly supportive
I met Kira on a quiet Sunday night, the boys sleeping soundly. A few parents joined us with children of a similar age, although I was the only twin mom. Over the next three years, people would come and go; several would stay on. The group—sometimes two, sometimes six—was always intimate, safe, and profoundly supportive. Class is not quite the word for what we were—more of a meet-up. There was no set agenda; we, the parents, steered the conversation, and sometimes, on request, Kira would present on certain topics.
To summarize
When I think back over those early years with my children and the support I received from the “RIE Approach,” so many things stand out for me. But to summarize them here in conclusion, here are a few of my favorites:
- Distinguishing between “want something time” and “want nothing time” and making sure there are plenty of moments where there isn’t some result I’m out to get (brushed teeth, clothed body, etc.)
- Sportscasting: talking from Day 0 to the child and relaying what you are doing and even why
- Sensitive Observation
- Creating a safe space—a “yes” space, however big or small, so they have a dedicated place in the home where they are free to roam unhindered and 100% safe
- Drawing a distinction between struggling and suffering
I feel enriched by my time with RIE, and it has shaped so much in how I relate to and care for my children. I am not perfect, nor am I an ideal “RIE parent”—if such a thing even exists—but RIE has given me something invaluable: a guiding light, even in my most challenging parenting moments. Even when I know I’m not being my best self as a parent, I can be guided by the Educaring approach. And that brings me to what I love the most—the beauty of repair. It’s not about being a perfect parent; it’s about the moment you can, embracing the opportunity for repair. I imagine that’s something I’ll be doing for a lifetime—and I’m here for it.
Yewande Omotoso
Check out my latest novel, An Unusual Grief, available at all good bookstores.
https://www.bookdepository.com/Unusual-Grief-Yewande-Omotoso/9781913175139
And I finally have a website – please visit me!
