Is “I don’t care” a helpful strategy, or is there value in being vulnerable?
“Boys don’t cry.” “There is nothing to be afraid of.” “Why don’t you go and play with everyone?”
What are we trying to teach our children when we say these things?
Is “I don’t care” a helpful strategy? Is being tough more valuable than being sensitive?
We all have different personalities. Some of us look at situations in a lighter way, while others tend to go deeper and analyze things more. Sure, having an easygoing personality has many advantages. Yet being a more sensitive person has its own advantages, too.
And what is even more important, we cannot change our children’s personalities by telling them to toughen up.
A child might eventually say, “I don’t care,” but more likely, they have learned to push their emotions down. Some children may seem to be successful at it, but at what cost? What might they miss when their feelings are not allowed or when they are expected to toughen up? How much joy, connection, and care might be lost along the way?
Most parents, across generations, want the best for their children. For many of us, being tough and learning to recover quickly were important survival skills. But in the modern world, we are beginning to question whether those skills always serve our children well.
Finding the balance is tricky.
When do we understand, give space, and offer a choice, and when do we push a little bit?
Here are a few thoughts on how we can support our more sensitive children.
1. Genuinely listen to their concerns
Don’t brush them off by saying, “There is nothing to worry about.” What seems like a small thing to us may feel like a big deal to a child. We don’t have to agree with their fears to acknowledge that they are having them.
2. Don’t pity them or exaggerate their concerns
“Oh, my goodness, that is sooo scary! You poor thing!”
We want to be a touchstone for our children, not a crutch.
We want children to feel our support and care, but we don’t want to show them our mistrust by putting a safety net everywhere they might fall. We can be there for them without making a difficult situation seem even scarier than it already feels.
3. Remind them of times when they were able to overcome discomfort
Remember when you were nervous about trying something new, but then you did it? Or remember when I felt uncomfortable about something, but I gave it a try?
These conversations can help children remember their own experiences and recognize that they are capable of working through uncomfortable situations. We don’t need to push them to be brave. Sometimes, remembering what they have already managed is enough.
4. Be mindful of what you say about your child in front of others
If you’re going to mention the issue to another grown-up, remember that your child may be listening. Think about how you can rephrase what you say so your child can save face.
Instead of saying, “She is always afraid of new things,” you might say, “She likes to take her time getting comfortable with something new.”
When children have the space and time to make their own brave decisions, they can learn important lessons from the experience.
What if we get it wrong?
What if we push too hard or step in too quickly?
The question “Am I being a crutch or a support?” often comes to mind. But I want to remind you: you are all sensitive and amazing parents, even when you don’t make the perfect choice.
What makes you amazing is that you reflect, you notice, you wonder, and you can always make a different choice next time.
Life is full of ruptures and repairs. If we push too hard today, we can reconnect and repair tomorrow. Talking with our children about their experiences also helps them process what happened and make sense of their feelings.
We don’t have to get it right every time. We can keep learning, observing, and finding the balance between offering support and giving our children the space to discover what they can do.
If you’d like to learn more about RIE® Parent-Infant Guidance™ Classes, feel free to reach out.
Wishing you all the best in this difficult yet exciting journey of parenting!
Warmly,
Teacher Kira
